21 On Litigation

Then a lawyer said, Speak to us of litigation.
And he answered:
In distant California, one surfer sued another for stealing his perfect wave. A socialite won a two million dollar libel suit when a casual acquaintance insulted her perm. I myself have been sued.

A communal gasp escaped the people of Orphalese. The prophet nodded gravely:
Countless times.

You people are obsessed with fairness. You would fain blame each other when you have naught but yourselves to blame. And yet I would not have you blame yourselves either, for verily, blame is without meaning.

Do not be like the bankrupt broker who sued himself for greed and stupidity, and thus simultaneously regained and re-lost his fortune. Often times there is but no one to blame.

Once more No One’s head snapped to attention. He had, of course, been dozing, and was yet again relieved to conclude, with reasonable certainty, that he was not the subject of the moment. The prophet still spoke:
And if a mistake has been made, be forgiving, for accidents can and do happen. Does the river sue the beaver for negligence?

Bad things will happen to good people, just as good things happen to imperfect people. Ships will sink (the migrants avert their eyes, feeling all gazes suddenly upon them) and planes will fall. For it is just as much in their nature to fall from the sky, as it is in their nature to fly.

Shit happens.

Whereupon a meek yet firmly dissenting voice cried out:
But isn’t all of this obvious?

But the prophet was on a roll. He continued, beginning to foam at the mouth as he spoke:
You bet your sweet candy-coated ass, it’s obvious. All things are obvious. And yet, for all that I know, some twit with a loud voice will hold the opposite to be true. And to strengthen his defense, he will deem it obvious.

I look around and I get angry.

By now the prophet was truly off his rocker. He was stomping his feet like a spoiled child, and in a booming voice he began to sing:

I read a film review oh boy
About three lucky teenagers who made the grave
And though the review was rather bad
I just had laugh
And now we know what happens when someone forgets to turn it off
I’d - love - to - shut - it - off.

And I wrote a letter to the editor demanding the reviewer be fired, but it was never published, and the reviewer never fired. Another day I rode the bus and saw an ad. The ad was for a support group. And again I found that I had a clever opinion on the matter.

If you were to add up all the two-cents worth of opinions and advice I’d like to bestow upon my people, you could all buy yourselves a nice soothing almond milk steamer.

But where is my forum? My voice is being drowned out by lesser people, with lesser opinions.

And then I crossed the oceans in a rickety ship, loaded with two hundred migrants who listened but who did not understand. And now the government wishes to send us back (a gasp of horror), for we have no documents and the government is not getting any softer.

Sometimes, dear lord, I want to scream but I just can’t seem to do-diddley-do it.

How to vent this frustration? I’m just about ready to burst. (At this point nobody in the audience No One doubted the truth of this). How is one to let off all this steam?

This, dear people of Orphalese, is why I speak to you now, from atop this rusty oil drum.